Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
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Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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