Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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