How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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