who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
