Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
