Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
