Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
