I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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