my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
