Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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