Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I need water and some morals
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
