I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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