So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
