Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
