You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
