I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I need to sanitize my soul.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
