For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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