If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
