I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
two words...techno handjob
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
