Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
