Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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