I'm really into asian looking animals
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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