why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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