Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
