Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
