he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
