i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
