I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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