we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
