Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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