I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
