just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
