Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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