I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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