So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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