oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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