do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
