my soul wont recognize me after tonight
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
