o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
