dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
