Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
