I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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