apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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