soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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