Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
