who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
