Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
