totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
