Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
