I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
