I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
