I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
