I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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