Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
