Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
