i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
