A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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