woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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