i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
