I cannot find my penis.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
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i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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