so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
