My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
