The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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